Where there's smoke there's fire!

Said by my 3 yr old while we walked to his preschool this morning, in ~15 degree (F) weather:

"My mouth is smoking! I must have fire in my tummy!"

You Didn't SEE Me!

Ah, the fun of trying not to laugh at kids...

I told my 4 yr old that if she ate all of her lunch (half of a turkey pot pie), she could have a piece of Halloween candy. She was excited about the idea, but after a bite or two she gave up eating to watch me clean the house, and to sit on my lap while I played a computer game. Around 2 PM she climbed off my lap and quietly walked into the kitchen. Her departure was followed by the following sounds: scraping, a bag rustling, and a dish being put in the sink. About 10 seconds later, she appeared at my side, with a huge smile on her face...


4 yr old: There! I finished my lunch and you said I could have some candy!

Me: Yeah... you scraped your bowl into the garbage, and you are trying to trick me.

4 yr old: *shocked look* You didn't SEE me, so how do you know?

Me: so you didn't do that?

4 yr old: *deer in headlights look* I wouldn't! You didn't SEE me!

Me: Alright, then I'm going to walk in there and SEE

4 yr old: No! You can't! It won't be right! Don't do that!


I walked into the kitchen and she grabbed the garbage bag then showed it to me - on the top of the bag was what appeared to be half of a turkey pot pie...


4 yr old: I should have told you, my brother threw HIS away!

Me: Your brother didn't get any.

4 yr old: Oh, you just didn't KNOW he got some!

Me: Nice try, but you still don't get any candy.

Kids and their "celebrities"

Unless you've ever stayed up late on a Saturday night watching television in Reno, Nevada, you've probably never heard of Zomboo (pronounced Zombo). Zomboo is the very strange, and surprisingly popular, host of a local cheesy horror movie show that starts at 11:35 on most Saturday nights. My 7 yr old daughter is always trying to stay up to watch him, but almost never succeeds. Sunday we took our kids to Reno's "Safe Trick or Treat", and Zomboo was there, so our girls got to meet him... we heard about almost nothing else from our 7 yr old for the rest of the night, and she's been excitedly telling everyone she knows since then.

You Licked WHAT???

Today my 7 yr old got some dental work done that included a few stainless steel crowns. As she was laying on the couch resting tonight, we got to talking about her new teeth...

7 yr old: Are you sure my teeth are made with stainless steel?

Me: yes, why?

7 yr old: Because my teeth don't taste anything like your pans

Me: Hold on... what? you've TASTED MY PANS?

7 yr old: Um... well... not really, but kind of....

Me: Is that a yes?

7 yr old: Well... when you're not looking I sometimes lick the doorknobs too... and they don't taste like my teeth either.



OK, I admit that at her age I would suck on the zipper of my jacket because it tasted really good, and the pan thing is strange, but at least I know that my pans are clean... however, LICKING DOORKNOBS??? EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Titanic

7 yr old:

"I wanted to see how the Titanic sank, so I made a lego boat exactly the same size as the Titanic, only smaller."

Mr Potato Zed

There are times when you should openly laugh at the antics of your children, and times you should swallow that smile, look sternly at your child, and tell them to never, ever do that again. Today I failed miserably at the latter.

We live in a small house, so I try to keep the toys confined to one bedroom, and today is cleanup day. The kids were picking up toys in there for about 20 minutes when I heard my 2 yr old, we call him Zed, giggling and saying, "Wook! Wook! Wook!" I looked and couldn't help but laugh and take his picture, even though I probably should have taken the toy he had, made an angry face, and said something about never sticking anything in his ears.

I'd like you all to meet Mr. Potato Zed:

Say What?

Yesterday we went to the local farmer's market and sat near a woman, who looked about 60, and a friend of hers. We were all watching the kids playing in the water the fire department sprays at one end of the market every week when the woman suddenly turned to her friend and said, "They're more energetic than a US State at a county fair!".

I waited for the friend to ask her to explain the comment, but she just accepted the statement with a nod, and I'm not outgoing enough to ask a person I don't know if they're on crack, or just insane, so now I'm still confused... WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN? If anyone has any idea, please tell me.

Talkin' Turkey

Some idiocy drove me to be craving turkey, so today I decided to cook a whole one. The kids have been asking me when the turkey would be done since a few minutes after it went in the oven, so, now that it's almost finished, they're climbing the walls waiting to eat. First my 7 yr old tried to talk me into letting her have some before it was done cooking, and I explained that we have to make sure it's the right temperature, or everyone could get sick, so she said, "but the SKIN is done! Can we eat the skin?" Next I explained that after the turkey is the right temperature, we have to let it rest on the counter for 30 minutes before we can cut it, at which point my 4 yr old looked at me like I'd gone insane and said, "Mommy, the turkey is DEAD! It doesn't need to rest!"

Naked Parents

Every Christmas my mother-in-law decides that she has to buy me some great makeup kit that she's found for like $5 on a discount shelf at walmart, so I let the kids use that stuff when they want to (which isn't very often). This morning my 4 yr old walked into the room I was in; she was naked and proudly showing off some makeup she'd put on all by herself, and informed me that she'd also helped her 2 yr old brother look the same. Right then the 2 yr old, also naked, walked into the room showing off his wonderful makeup, which looked like it'd been applied by a drunk clown school dropout.

I guess I made a weird face about his new look, because my 4 yr old and I ended up having the following conversation:

4 yr old: We're pretending to be parents. I'm the mommy and he's the daddy!

me: do you notice that daddy doesn't wear lipstick?

4 yr old: THIS daddy does!

me: ok... but you must have noticed that Daddy and I wear clothing, right?

4 yr old: That's YOU - WE are naked parents.



at that point they both left the room to apply more makeup and nail polish.

A little bit later the 4 yr old wandered back in to inform me that I'm not the best parent I could be, because I don't run around the house naked. I told her that I guess I'll never get any better then, and she gave up on me.

How many birthdays does the girl have?

4 yr old: Mommy, when is Halloween?
me: October
4 yr old: When is Christmas?
me: December
4 yr old: When is my birthday?
me: January
4 yr old: and when is my birthday?
me: still in January
4 yr old: Oh! and when is my NEXT birthday?

Granny

For Amanda (and anyone else who bothers reading this)

This is a post I made on another site back in early February, so it's a bit dated, but I wanted to share, because it's the most fun school-related thing I've done, so far, with my oldest daughter. I did the hair and costume, Jeff did the makeup. Kids in school have nicknamed her "Granny" because of it. It's hilarious going to the school to pick her up and hearing 5th graders say, "See you tomorrow, Granny!" to a tiny 7 yr old, and she obviously loves it.
__________________________________________________________

Feb. 2, 2005

Today my 7 yr old daughter won the "Grandma of the Year" award at her school! The school celebrated the 100th day of the school year by having everyone dress up like they were 100 years old. Here are a few "before" and "after" pictures...

Vampire Butterfly

I should state ahead of time that my 4 yr old daughter is the more logical of the two kids in this story, and very matter of fact with how she deals with life in general, and my 7 yr old is a total paranormal freak/conspiracy theorist.

My 7 year started a collection of dead bugs about a week ago, mostly by finding dead bugs in our yard, or on walks, and keeping them in a
little container to look at later. Yesterday we were walking home from the library, and came across a dying "painted lady" butterfly, so my 7 year old decided to bring it home to add to her collection once it "passed on" (her words). By the time we made it home, the butterfly was no longer moving, so she put it in the container with the rest of her collection, despite me telling her that it might not be dead yet, which got me looked at like I had no idea what I was talking about.

After lunch the kids decided they wanted to look at the dead bugs, so the 7 yr old carefully opened her collection box, which startled the still nearly dead butterfly, and it moved some....

7 yr old: *SCREAMS* It's a vampire butterfly!!!

4 yr old: are you sure it's not just alive?

7 yr old: Don't you UNDERSTAND??? it DIED! now it MOVED - IT'S THE UNDEAD!!!!

4 yr old: Like a zombie?

7 yr old: Yeah, zombies are undead too, but this is a VAMPIRE BUTTERFLY!!!!

4 yr old: Are you SURE it's a vampire?

7 yr old: YES!! it MOVED!! It's UNDEAD!!!


At this point the 4 yr old took the situation into her own hands, calmly walked into the kitchen, got a butter knife, and killed the butterfly.


7 yr old (now more freaked out by her sister than the former vampire butterfly): MOMMMMMEEEEEE! SHE KILLED MY BUTTERFLY!!!

4 yr old: but you TOLD ME it was a vampire and they have to be killed!



*sigh*

Fast forward to today, and my 7 yr old is refusing to get rid of the now definitely dead vampire butterfly in her collection until her sister makes an apology to the butterfly's spirit, so that it won't haunt our house. I have no idea where the older child gets this stuff, but the 4 yr old is getting a bit annoyed with it.