My daughter, the sober druggie

OK, so my daughter is only 10 and is extremely anti-drugs, but I swear she acts like a stoner at times. Today she bought her SECOND lava lamp and spent about an hour staring at it in her darkened bedroom. When she finally came out, she told me, "it was like, whoa! I watched it and it was boring, but at the same time it WASN'T boring! It's all soothing, and fascinating... now I know why hippies love lava lamps!"

Pocket, not a pocket.

Dear Son,

There are some things it's better to learn earlier in life, and some things you should probably learn later. Today you stumbled upon something that the sooner it is learned, the better. I know what you're thinking, so before you brush off my advice, as you have so many times today, and dismiss me as someone clueless, who just pretends to know what I'm talking about, please hear me out.

I may not wear what you call "boy clothes" and many of my outfits have mysterious things that your father will probably never have on his (hooks, pads, underwires, etc...), but I do know some things about your clothing. After all, I did help you choose it, and bought it for you.

Go ahead and wear your shirts backwards, because "they look cooler that way". Wear your pants a little long if you like the look of rolled cuffs. Turn your hat just about any way you want to, but for the sake of all that is cherished in this world, that weird flap thing on the front of your underwear is NOT a pocket. Are you paying attention? IT IS NOT A POCKET. A good rule of thumb is that if you have to reach through the waist on your pants to reach something, it's not a pocket. If you are not wearing pants, another rule of thumb is that if you reach into your "pocket" and touch the bare skin of your private parts, or, as you so aptly demonstrated earlier, reach further in and discover, with glee, that you can also reach your butthole, that is not a pocket.

Maybe a visual will help me get my point across:

POCKET:





NOT A POCKET:



Seek the advice of other males, if you must, but please at least give my words a chance.

Love,
Mom

Why would you say that?

This morning I was trying to teach my 4 yr old how to play battleship. It's not really the easiest game for a kid his age to figure out, but he wanted to learn. After we finished playing, he put away the game while I did some dishes. At some point in picking it up he accidentally spilled some pieces on the floor, and, me being in dishes mode, I asked him to make sure he wiped them all up. Looking at me like I'd lost it, he said, with a giggle, "Why would you say wipe up the pieces? That's crazy talk!"

A bit later he saw me taking a pill and asked why I take medicine. Not wanting to explain what anti-depression meds are, I just said, "The doctor gave me medicine that helps my brain work right." After contemplating it for a few seconds, he asked, "So is that why you asked me to wipe up plastic pieces?"

Fast forward to this afternoon. It was time to pick up the girls from school, and the weather is really rainy, so I decided to put the dog in her cage, instead of bringing her with us...

4 yr old: Why are we leaving Mrs. Gideon here? We always take her to the school.

me: I don't think we need to bring her this time

4 yr old: Is that because your brain's actually working?

I guess that’s good... and a bit creepy.

It's nearing dinner time, and my 4 yr old son asked for a snack. I don't want his dinner ruined by eating something now, so I asked him if he could wait a bit so we can all eat together...

4 yr old:

"Ok, mommy, I'll wait. I'll hold on for you. I'll wait until you tell me I can eat."

starts hugging and cuddling me

"I'm waiting for you."

"These are the degrees of being a nice guy."

Calm down!

Yesterday was a bit too warm outside. Not super hot, but we were still all uncomfortable, I was watching 4 extra kids (our regular neighbor kid, and my friend's other three). Our house doesn't have air conditioning, so the kids were alternately playing outside and sitting in front of one of the fans in the living room, when it happened. V decided her nose itched, and she had to scratch it.

To say this was a small nosebleed would be calling the Pacific Ocean a mere puddle, as blood pooled in her hand while she made a mad dash for the, thankfully unoccupied, bathroom. Everytime the bleeding would slow, V would look at the bright red blob of tissue in her hand and start crying, which set off another flood, and only made her more scared.

After at least 20 minutes of this, her best friend and I finally got her calmed down enough to get her to stop sobbing, and the blood flow almost completely stopped. I handed her a clean tissue, and as V moved the used one away from her face she saw it...

V: Oh my GOD!
*tears well up in her already bloodshot eyes*

me: What's wrong?

V starts BAWLING - she's obviously extremely freaked out, but I can't figure out why. Finally, almost incomprehensibly, while sobbing, she tells me...

V: There is a piece of BRAIN in my Kleenex!

me: Oh, sweetie, that's a blood clot

V: NO! It's BRAIN! LOOK!!!

After another 10 minutes, I finally convinced her that it wasn't brain on her tissue, and that blood clots were normal, so she calmed down, and an hour or so later she was in a good enough mood for us to joke about it.

I will be using this story to embarrass her when she's a teenager.

I never did that!

This afternoon I'm watching my friend's kids, the youngest of which is about 15 months old. She is doing the normal baby thing - stumbling like a drunk, playing with toys, squatting, grunting, releasing her bowels into her diaper...
All of which led to a conversation with my naive youngest child, who has apparently never paid much attention to diaper changes.

Z: Mommy, what are you DOING?

me: Changing Cheyenne's diaper

Z: WHY?

me: Because she pooped

Z: (eyes get huge) What's wrong with her? Why would a baby POOP IN A DIAPER?

for the next half hour he kept going back to the idea, and trying to convince us that HE never did that kind of disgusting thing.

Dookie! Dookie!

Today I left zefrank.com open on my computer. While I was busy doing chores, my son got on the computer and started playing with the "game" where you request gifts from Santa. I guess I should have been a bit more aware of what was going on, because now I have a 4 yr old running around the house saying "Dookie! Dookie!" and "The ability to say penis without laughing. PENIS! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

I told my son that if we leave the house, he can't go around saying "penis" to everyone, because some people don't like that. With no pause at all, he looked at me with innocent eyes, and said, "But, Mommy, I HAVE a penis, LOOK! There's nothing wrong with it!"

I am doomed if we leave the house any time in the next week.

I can pick up anything!

When I was your dad...

Zed, my 4 yr old son, has been on a strange kick for about the past month, and occasionally insists that he used to be my father. He's told me that my other two kids were at that point MY sisters, that they didn't fight as much as they do now, and that my husband was also part of the family, but he's never said how.

Just a few minutes ago, Zed was sitting and watching some science show on TV with me, while we both suffer from some flu going around, when suddenly he turned to me and said,

"When you were a kid, and I was your dad, if you stayed home sick, we sat in the back and made ice cream together."

I wasn't sure what to say about that, so I asked him if it was fun, and he said "Yep! I was a good dad and we had fun."

Then he left the room.

Guinevere gets a new look

Um... yeah... I had a reason for making this, but I'm not going into it right now. Let me know what you think!

This video was originally shared on blip.tv by daftgretel with a No license (All rights reserved) license.

Tavia Gets Her Ears Pierced

Today Octavia decided to get her ears pierced while we were shopping, and we just happened to have the video camera with us.

This video was originally shared on blip.tv by daftgretel with a No license (All rights reserved) license.