Only some people can see them...

Over the past few days, my kids have been collecting sticks, and various other nature items, to start building a "fairy home" in our yard, which we will begin today after everyone is home from school. The kids talk quite a bit about fairies and find different items they think would work as cups, hats, pet leashes, etc... for the fairies, and are putting a lot of thought into how the house will look.

Walking my 5 yr old home from school this morning, he found a large wavy chunk of bark that he said is "a perfect porch" for the house. We discussed a few different features that they want to add, like a table, and a place to put their shoes, when he suddenly stopped talking. After about a minute of silence, the following conversation occurred:

5 yr old: Mommy, I know that fairies are real, but I've never seen one, because they're invisible to me

Me: Can anyone see them?

5 yr old: A few people

Me: So only some people can see them, and others can't?

5 yr old: Yeah, only some people can see fairies. I think the only people who can ever really see a fairy are lesbians.

He said the last sentence with such seriousness, and a hint of sadness, that I felt kind of bad for him, because I could tell he wished he could see the fairies too... but, damn, it was hard not to just bust up laughing. Luckily he spotted a squirrel just then, so he totally forgot the fairies for a bit.

Daddy's talking to you...

I had turned on a chat program, then left the room to do dishes, while my 5 yr old played a computer game. A few minutes later, he called to me...

"Mommy, Daddy's talking to you! He says something that starts with an s... um... S...A...L...Q... um... I think that's an S... then some other letters. What does that spell?"

Shopping

I might never take my 5 yr old shopping with me again. As we walked past the "intimates" section at Target, he ran over to a bunch of bras, started caressing one, and said "boobies" quietly to himself. This was shortly after he begged to buy a dress for himself.

Excuse me!

5 yr old: Mommy, I tooted. Excuse me!

me: Thank you for being polite.

5 yr old: So, when I say "excuse me" does that make the stink go away?

me: No, it's just polite.

5 yr old: Then what's the point?

Muh Tun Huh

After picking up the kids from school, I told them they could find a snack while I took a nap. I was reading when my 7 yr old came into the room, wimpering, with her tongue stuck out.

me: What's wrong?

7 yr old: Muh tun huh!

Looking closely, I could see a bit of a red spot on her tongue, but nothing really looked wrong

me: What happened?

7 yr old: I was looking for food in the deep freezer and my tongue got stuck.

me: on accident?

7 yr old: no, I put my tongue on there to see if it would really stick to something cold

me: did it?

7 yr old: yes! Look at muh tun! It HURTS!

me: well, I'm sorry you're hurt, but I guess you won't be doing that again, will you?

7 yr old (sticking out her bottom lip): No. My lip hurts too.

me: did you stick your lip and tongue on at the same time?

7 yr old: No... it was after my tongue

me (starting to smirk at this point): Why did you put your lip on the freezer after you hurt your tongue?

7 yr old (getting defensive): I had to see if it was still cold enough to stick!

My daughter, the sober druggie

OK, so my daughter is only 10 and is extremely anti-drugs, but I swear she acts like a stoner at times. Today she bought her SECOND lava lamp and spent about an hour staring at it in her darkened bedroom. When she finally came out, she told me, "it was like, whoa! I watched it and it was boring, but at the same time it WASN'T boring! It's all soothing, and fascinating... now I know why hippies love lava lamps!"

Pocket, not a pocket.

Dear Son,

There are some things it's better to learn earlier in life, and some things you should probably learn later. Today you stumbled upon something that the sooner it is learned, the better. I know what you're thinking, so before you brush off my advice, as you have so many times today, and dismiss me as someone clueless, who just pretends to know what I'm talking about, please hear me out.

I may not wear what you call "boy clothes" and many of my outfits have mysterious things that your father will probably never have on his (hooks, pads, underwires, etc...), but I do know some things about your clothing. After all, I did help you choose it, and bought it for you.

Go ahead and wear your shirts backwards, because "they look cooler that way". Wear your pants a little long if you like the look of rolled cuffs. Turn your hat just about any way you want to, but for the sake of all that is cherished in this world, that weird flap thing on the front of your underwear is NOT a pocket. Are you paying attention? IT IS NOT A POCKET. A good rule of thumb is that if you have to reach through the waist on your pants to reach something, it's not a pocket. If you are not wearing pants, another rule of thumb is that if you reach into your "pocket" and touch the bare skin of your private parts, or, as you so aptly demonstrated earlier, reach further in and discover, with glee, that you can also reach your butthole, that is not a pocket.

Maybe a visual will help me get my point across:

POCKET:





NOT A POCKET:



Seek the advice of other males, if you must, but please at least give my words a chance.

Love,
Mom