Shopping

I might never take my 5 yr old shopping with me again. As we walked past the "intimates" section at Target, he ran over to a bunch of bras, started caressing one, and said "boobies" quietly to himself. This was shortly after he begged to buy a dress for himself.

Excuse me!

5 yr old: Mommy, I tooted. Excuse me!

me: Thank you for being polite.

5 yr old: So, when I say "excuse me" does that make the stink go away?

me: No, it's just polite.

5 yr old: Then what's the point?

Muh Tun Huh

After picking up the kids from school, I told them they could find a snack while I took a nap. I was reading when my 7 yr old came into the room, wimpering, with her tongue stuck out.

me: What's wrong?

7 yr old: Muh tun huh!

Looking closely, I could see a bit of a red spot on her tongue, but nothing really looked wrong

me: What happened?

7 yr old: I was looking for food in the deep freezer and my tongue got stuck.

me: on accident?

7 yr old: no, I put my tongue on there to see if it would really stick to something cold

me: did it?

7 yr old: yes! Look at muh tun! It HURTS!

me: well, I'm sorry you're hurt, but I guess you won't be doing that again, will you?

7 yr old (sticking out her bottom lip): No. My lip hurts too.

me: did you stick your lip and tongue on at the same time?

7 yr old: No... it was after my tongue

me (starting to smirk at this point): Why did you put your lip on the freezer after you hurt your tongue?

7 yr old (getting defensive): I had to see if it was still cold enough to stick!

My daughter, the sober druggie

OK, so my daughter is only 10 and is extremely anti-drugs, but I swear she acts like a stoner at times. Today she bought her SECOND lava lamp and spent about an hour staring at it in her darkened bedroom. When she finally came out, she told me, "it was like, whoa! I watched it and it was boring, but at the same time it WASN'T boring! It's all soothing, and fascinating... now I know why hippies love lava lamps!"

Pocket, not a pocket.

Dear Son,

There are some things it's better to learn earlier in life, and some things you should probably learn later. Today you stumbled upon something that the sooner it is learned, the better. I know what you're thinking, so before you brush off my advice, as you have so many times today, and dismiss me as someone clueless, who just pretends to know what I'm talking about, please hear me out.

I may not wear what you call "boy clothes" and many of my outfits have mysterious things that your father will probably never have on his (hooks, pads, underwires, etc...), but I do know some things about your clothing. After all, I did help you choose it, and bought it for you.

Go ahead and wear your shirts backwards, because "they look cooler that way". Wear your pants a little long if you like the look of rolled cuffs. Turn your hat just about any way you want to, but for the sake of all that is cherished in this world, that weird flap thing on the front of your underwear is NOT a pocket. Are you paying attention? IT IS NOT A POCKET. A good rule of thumb is that if you have to reach through the waist on your pants to reach something, it's not a pocket. If you are not wearing pants, another rule of thumb is that if you reach into your "pocket" and touch the bare skin of your private parts, or, as you so aptly demonstrated earlier, reach further in and discover, with glee, that you can also reach your butthole, that is not a pocket.

Maybe a visual will help me get my point across:

POCKET:





NOT A POCKET:



Seek the advice of other males, if you must, but please at least give my words a chance.

Love,
Mom

Why would you say that?

This morning I was trying to teach my 4 yr old how to play battleship. It's not really the easiest game for a kid his age to figure out, but he wanted to learn. After we finished playing, he put away the game while I did some dishes. At some point in picking it up he accidentally spilled some pieces on the floor, and, me being in dishes mode, I asked him to make sure he wiped them all up. Looking at me like I'd lost it, he said, with a giggle, "Why would you say wipe up the pieces? That's crazy talk!"

A bit later he saw me taking a pill and asked why I take medicine. Not wanting to explain what anti-depression meds are, I just said, "The doctor gave me medicine that helps my brain work right." After contemplating it for a few seconds, he asked, "So is that why you asked me to wipe up plastic pieces?"

Fast forward to this afternoon. It was time to pick up the girls from school, and the weather is really rainy, so I decided to put the dog in her cage, instead of bringing her with us...

4 yr old: Why are we leaving Mrs. Gideon here? We always take her to the school.

me: I don't think we need to bring her this time

4 yr old: Is that because your brain's actually working?

I guess that’s good... and a bit creepy.

It's nearing dinner time, and my 4 yr old son asked for a snack. I don't want his dinner ruined by eating something now, so I asked him if he could wait a bit so we can all eat together...

4 yr old:

"Ok, mommy, I'll wait. I'll hold on for you. I'll wait until you tell me I can eat."

starts hugging and cuddling me

"I'm waiting for you."

"These are the degrees of being a nice guy."