9 yr old comes into the room, completely ignoring me, and walks over to his cat... "Zach, I have to share something important with you. Can you handle that kind of commitment, and take on some of my burden? Yes? Good." 9 yr old farts on his cat "Do you smell that, Zach? That's the smell of shame, and I just gave all of my shame to you. I no longer feel any shame because you took it all into your lungs. I hope you're prepared for more later."

Coffee... kids... same thing.

I started a pot of coffee while my 9 year old was sleeping on the couch. Once the smell of the coffee reached where he was, he sat straight up, looking worried... Him: What are you cooking? Me: Just coffee. Him: Oh, thank god... I thought it smelled like children! He went back to sleep immediately.

Stretchy is beautiful!

My 14 yr old just now:

"I like when the dog's stomach skin is all stretched and wrinkled... kind of like yours! Yours is just like that, Mommy!"

Me: Thanks?

Her: I meant I like it! It's beautiful! It's beautiful being all wrinkled and squishy, and not like a model at all!

Me: Um... thanks again?

Her: I mean it! I don't want you to look perfect! I want you to look like you do! I love your stomach's stretchy squishiness!

Me: I understand where you're coming from, but please... I don't need any more admiration today.

This sounds familiar...

13 yr old: "They should have an alphabet that just uses hand signs."

me: "They do. It's called sign language."

What a bunch of baloney...

My 13 yr old and I were discussing having a picnic lunch in the wildlife sanctuary near our house, and figuring out what kind of sandwich fixings to buy from the store...

13 yr old: "Can we buy real bologna from the store?"

me: "Sure, but I don't know what you mean."

13 yr old: "You always buy the fake kind... the Bow Log Nuh one... I want to spend the extra money to buy real baloney this time."

Sweet little thing...

Sometimes my kids just amaze me, and aren't always insane goof balls.

Yesterday Z saved some graham crackers from his school lunch, so he could have a snack after school. He has always been a friendly kid, so he got into a conversation with a homeless man by the grocery store. To make small talk, the man commented on Z's stack of graham crackers, and, without hesitation, Z gave him some. Together they shared more conversation, and a little snack.

I don't have to wait for Z to grow up to be something great. I think he's great already.

Cheap AND Efficient, You Say?

Are you tired of the expense and inefficiency of peeling an orange? Well FEAR NOT! My 9 year old just told me, "I invented a cheap AND efficient way to peel oranges!"

Now, if only I can figure out how to use her method, which involves cutting a hole through the center of the orange, sticking a metal tube through it, and waving the skewered orange around in the air saying, "LOOK AT THE ORANGE, DOGGY!"

CSN Stores are awesome, but the UPS guy hates me!

A few weeks ago I was approached by the people at CSNstores.com to do a product review for them. After many hours of searching, and changing my mind multiple times, I finally settled on a Fatboy beanbag chair, and placed my order.

Checking out was super easy, even with using a gift certificate and my credit card in the same order, and my beanbag was sent quickly. Unfortunately UPS messed up and it danced around in transit for much longer than it should have, but CSN was great about updating me when they expected my chair to arrive, every time the package was re-routed.

Finally the day of delivery came, which happened to coincide with some boxes of Christmas things for my kids, and I think the UPS delivery driver was having a bad day, because he wedged the heavy box behind the screen door, essentially blocking me in the house. Normally I would have just shoved on the box until it moved, but I was recovering from major surgery, and lifting/pushing is a big no-no, so I had to wait until the kids got home from school.

My younger two kids get home first, so their eyes got HUGE when they saw the boxes of things in the doorway, then they looked confused when they realized they were trapped outside in the cold. After a few minutes of them pushing their hardest, they were able to manipulate the box into the doorway, enough so they could climb through and get inside.

Once my husband got home and brought the box all the way into our house, we opened it and there was our new beanbag chair! The kids had never seen such a large beanbag before, and instantly all of them wanted to sit on it. Luckily it's big enough for two of them to sit together on it, like a love seat, if we turn the chair on its side, so most arguments were avoided.

Everyone who comes over falls in love with our Fatboy beanbag chair, and wants to buy their own. We are planning to buy at least one more soon, and will definitely use CSN again.

She Can't Be Irish

My 9 yr old, talking about her best friend:

"She says she's Irish, but she's funny, so she can't be!"

Yum.

My 12 year old just ate her way through most of a giant bowl of cereal before realizing it was full of birdseed moth larvae.

She quickly washed out what was in her mouth, and dumped the rest of the bowl, then said, "Great, now my mouth tastes like moths."

Anything to get out of bed...

My 9 yr old got out of bed around midnight and tried to convince us that she couldn't stay in her loft bed, "because it's made of wood, and when the heater turns on, the heat rises, and my bed might catch on fire while I'm in it. DO YOU WANT THAT?"

7 yr old: "I know a long time ago people thought the world was flat."

me: "Yes, they did."

7 yr old: "A long, long time ago though. All the way in the 1970s!"

CSN Store Review

I've been given the opportunity to review an item from the CSN Stores. They have over 200 stores, and carry just about anything you can think of, at decent prices. Many of their items also have free shipping!

For back to school time I was very tempted by their great selection of children's backpacks, but, since it's closer to Christmas, I'm really thinking about getting something my kids can all use. With the huge selection it's so hard to choose!

I'll let you know how this goes!

Santa isn't like Chinese knockoff toys...

While eating tortillas, my 12 yr old tore one to look like a beard, stuck it to her chin, and said, "Hey, look! I'm the Mexican equivalent of Santa Claus!"

Abraham Lincoln

7 year old: I think I like Abraham Lincoln the most, because he was a great president, but I feel bad for the people who lived then because they only had pennies for cash.

me: They had other money back then.

7 yr old: Then why would they put such a great man on a penny? They obviously didn't have anything besides a penny to put his picture on!

nuts

On the way home from school yesterday, my 7 yr old, Z, was trying to pick up rocks to add to his "collection." It wouldn't be a problem if they were pretty rocks, but they're all ugly and grey, and he leaves them around the house for everyone else to step on. I kept telling Z to stop picking up rocks, when I looked back and saw that he was trying to hide two by twisting them into the hem of his shirt and holding them near his belt-line.

me: What are those?

Z (trying to look confused): What?

me: Right there.

Z looks down at the rocks twisted in his shirt, points to his groin area and says: Those are my nuts!

I just stood there staring at him for a few seconds, giving him the mom look.

Z: Fine. I'm sorry, those aren't my nuts. They're my LADY PARTS!

Seven and Some Change

7 yr old: Am I seven and three-quarters yet?

me: not yet

7 yr old: Am I seven and one penny yet?

Ant Farm

Heard coming from my 12 yr old's bedroom as she was setting up her new ant farm: Crap, crap, crap. CRAP! MOMMY!!!!!!

Zedism #3

While watching his sister play a video game:

"She's gonna be dead. Deader than chicken, or roast beef, or whatever."

Guess what I'm thinking...

6 yr old to 8 yr old: Hey, guess what I'm thinking?

8 yr old: You're thinking about me.... and... another person...

6 yr old: MMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE wrong! I am not thinking about you

8 yr old: MmEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOU are wrong. I can read your thoughts and you ARE thinking about me. Stop lying.