Zedism #3

While watching his sister play a video game:

"She's gonna be dead. Deader than chicken, or roast beef, or whatever."

Guess what I'm thinking...

6 yr old to 8 yr old: Hey, guess what I'm thinking?

8 yr old: You're thinking about me.... and... another person...

6 yr old: MMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE wrong! I am not thinking about you

8 yr old: MmEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOU are wrong. I can read your thoughts and you ARE thinking about me. Stop lying.

Art museum

After going to the art museum, my 6 yr old son asked his 8 yr old sister, "Why are there so many naked ladies in art museums?" to which my 8 yr old replied, "Because men get lonely."

Zedisms #1 & #2

My 6 yr old, we'll call him Zed, has always said weird things that make sense to only him. I've forgotten way more than I remember, so, starting today, I'll be adding to this blog as he says them.

#1: A few weeks ago, while complaining about an unexpected heat wave, "Whew! I'm sweatier than a cow in a bathtub!"

#2: After being asked if he wanted to choose a TV program to watch, "YES! More than a cantaloupe that's died, YES!

Tic-Tac-Toe

My 6 yr old son, waiting at the bus stop, on our way home from school:

"Hobos should learn how to play tic-tac-toe alone."

Like Albert Einstein...

My eight year old decided to start planning her birthday party, even though there are three other family members with birthdays before hers, and it's many months away. After listing off which of her classmates she wants to invite, she started telling me what the invitations will look like...

8 yr old: I want to have pictures of fluffy kittens with blue eyes on the front!

me: Okay, I'm sure we can do that.

8 yr old: I like fluffy kittens!

me: I know you do.

8 yr old: I like them the most when they have the big fluffy hair around their heads that makes them look like Albert Einstein, only not dirty.

me: What?

8 yr old: Yeah, I've seen pictures of Albert Einstein, and he was dirty. Did he grow up to become a hobo?

What's wrong with you?

This morning the kids and I were walking down to the middle school for 6th grade orientation. On the way there, our path was blocked by a work truck on the sidewalk. The owner of the truck was rummaging around inside it, getting things out for a job he was about to start. Yeah, the vehicle was a bit in our way, but we could walk around it.

My 6 yr old walked straight up to the workman and said, "Why are you parked on the sidewalk like that?"

The guy smiled, and, in an almost Barry White voice, said, "Well hello to you too! I'm parked there because I need my equipment. How are you today?"

My 6 yr old gave him the evil eye then said...

"AND what's wrong with your voice? Are you DRUNK???"

Luckily the guy laughed, but I was mortified.

Prunehilda

A few days ago my kids got a hairless rat as a pet, and it was quickly dubbed "Sweetheart." Sure, it's not a horrible name, but it is terribly boring, especially in our family, with former pets being named things like "Green Bean" and "Heart Attack" and "Shovel." Today I decided to put my suggestion out to the kids for a new name...

Me: Sweetheart looks like a prune, why don't we call her Prunehilda?

11 yr old: YOU are starting to look like a prune. Why don't we rename YOU Prunehilda?

because they can't drive straight.?

Six year old, upon seeing a scene in "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist" where the group of gay guys is driving the van crazily, after finding out where the band they're looking for is "secretly" playing:

"They're so gay, they can't drive."

Boy Stuff

It's been hot here. Very hot. Everyone is running around in minimal clothing, and my kids are allowed to run around the house as naked as they want to be anyway, but they've chosen that option more lately.

Yesterday my 11 yr old decided to make a fruit smoothie while wearing only underwear. Her little brother wandered into the kitchen to offer his help, and she flipped out, yelling at him that he had to be completely dressed to help her, or even be in the kitchen.

As her brother walked off to find some pants, I asked her why she was allowed to be undressed and cooking, but it wasn't okay for him.


11 yr old: Girls are okay if they're naked, but boys have... boy stuff... that falls off of them, and that's not good for cooking.

Pet Therapist

My 11 yr old daughter has long claimed to be a great "pet therapist" that can "cure" animals of whatever mental problem they possess. She is currently visiting her grandparents, who have two awful little dogs that hate everyone.

As a gesture of good-will, my daughter bought the dogs a new chew toy, which they love, but they still hate her. The dogs will happily chew on the toy, but if she gets anywhere near them while they chew it they bark at her, if she finds it not being chewed and picks it up they come running and bark at her, and if she throws it to them they make sure the chew toy is safe, then come running and barking at her.

Since my daughter has been so set on being a "pet therapist" for years, I asked her if she'd done anything else to try to help the dogs become nicer. Without missing a beat, she said, "Oh GOD, no! If they left me alone with those dogs, they'd kill me!"

Old Man

My 11 yr old has befriended an older man whose back yard meets up with our back yard. They're both outside in the nice weather quite often and chat over the fence about all kinds of topics. However, when referring to the man, she can never remember his name and instead tells people about "the old man that lives in our back yard."

Safety Matters

For Christmas the man in red brought my kids a 12' tall teepee. When the weather was nice we had the teepee up in the back yard a few times, but never bothered with staking it, and it kept being blown over in storms, so we put the cumbersome behemoth away for a while. Last weekend I finally got out tent stakes and the kids helped me make sure that thing isn't going anywhere.

The kids like to have backyard campouts, and sleep in a regular tent, so I thought they might like to sleep in the teepee instead. My 6 and 11 yr old kids jumped at the opportunity, while my 8 yr old balked at the idea, and said, "But the doors only TIE SHUT, it's not safe like a tent with a ZIPPER."

I'm not sure that's much to brag about...

6 yr old, as he prepares to show me just how fast he can go:

"I can run faster than a cantaloupe!"

I'm not sure I want to know...

This afternoon my 6 yr old was trying to have a deep conversation with me about killing zombies and aliens with laser guns, when suddenly a look of concern came across his face...

6 yr old: Mommy, do some girls not grow up and have babies?

me: Girls can choose if they want to have babies, or not.

My 6 yr old's triumphant little fist shot straight up in the air, quickly followed by a resounding, "YES!"

Terminator

My 11 yr old daughter's comment upon seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger on the morning news, discussing possible marijuana debates:

"Wow, the governor of California looks and sounds a LOT like the Terminator!"

Story from the Past - On the Death of a Hamster

This isn't directly something my kids said/did, but it involved them, and I was reminded of the situation when I read Michael Ian Black's story of a death in his family. This series of events took place about 2 years ago.

When my oldest daughter's hamster died, we still had all the setup, and the kids wanted to replace it with a new hamster. I very firmly said, "NO," which led my husband to think I meant they needed something else that could live in the hamster cage. A week later he took the kids out "to the park" and they came back with three pet mice - one for each kid.

If you think one hamster smells like pee, three mice smell like a urinal that hasn't been cleaned in a month.

About two weeks after the mice showed up, my then 4 yr old woke up to discover one of the mice had died during the night, and, as an honor to their lost friend, the other mice had started eating it.

After that, the kids lost interest in the other two mice, and I went "to the park" one day while the kids were at school, and my husband was at work. Thank God the pet store didn't try to charge me to take back those mice. Nobody ever commented on the missing pets, but if they'd asked I would have said that the Mouse Rapture had occurred and obviously both of our mice had been among the chosen.

Ice

My 6 yr old made a giant ice cube, using a metal measuring cup, and was trying to chip away at the block of ice with a spoon, so he could eat it. Why he likes to do that I'll never know, but I've given up asking.

The process was getting kind of messy...

Me: Careful, you're splashing ice all over the table.

6 yr old: That's how I roll.

Ouch! Killer Braniac

3 kids. 1 scooter. 1 umbrella. Walking home from school in rain and hail, the kids decided to make a game of hurrying up, by giving themselves the racer names "Brainiac" and "Killer" and "OUCH!", then setting up different styles of racing, and trying not to bowl over any other pedestrians that happened to be out in the same crappy weather.

It's about a 1/2 mile walk from the school to our house. By the time we got home everyone was laughing, drenched, chilly, and exhausted, so they collapsed in the living room to dry off and warm up.

Butter

My 6 yr old was eating some bread and butter with jam on it...

6 yr old: Mommy, what's this stuff on the bread?

me: jam

him: no, the stuff between that and the bread

me: butter?

him: yeah, what's it called?

me: butter

him: Oh! Thanks!

Moving over...

I'm moving my funny kid stories over from a general blog that I've never been good at keeping up with. I'll post from oldest to newest, and then start posting all brand new things over here.

Killer Klowns

My kids and I watched Killer Klowns from Outer Space today, during
which my 6 yr old turned to me and said, "This WOULD be scary, but
everyone knows that clowns don't exist."

If I only had a... door???

My 8 yr old lost her bedroom door after locking herself, and the implements I would have used to get it unlocked, in her room and refusing to go to school today.

First she shrieked at everyone in the house about how we still have to respect her privacy, and, when none of us really reacted, she stomped off to her room again and screamed at the top of her lungs, "IF I HAD A DOOR, I WOULD BE SLAMMING IT SO HARD RIGHT NOW!" before going off to her bed and quietly sulking.

What's he need the money for?

Yesterday I took my 6 yr old to the grocery store to pick up a couple things. On our way out, a guy asked if I had any spare change. He didn't look like a chronically homeless person, but someone who was down on his luck, so I gave him a handfull of change that happened to be in my pocket. My 6 yr old told him to have a good day, and we started walking off. We weren't far away from the man when the following conversation took place:

6 yr old: What's he need the money for?

me: I don't know... food or something to drink probably

6 yr old: I don't think that's it.

me: What do you think he needed the money for?

6 yr old: A boat.

me: It would take a long time to get a boat that way.

6 yr old: Yeah, I guess so. It is a long walk to the boat store.