That's My Kid!

This sounds familiar...

2011-05-13T18:59:00.001-07:00

13 yr old: "They should have an alphabet that just uses hand signs."

me: "They do. It's called sign language."

What a bunch of baloney...

2011-05-13T12:58:00.000-07:00

My 13 yr old and I were discussing having a picnic lunch in the wildlife sanctuary near our house, and figuring out what kind of sandwich fixings to buy from the store...

13 yr old: "Can we buy real bologna from the store?"

me: "Sure, but I don't know what you mean."

13 yr old: "You always buy the fake kind... the Bow Log Nuh one... I want to spend the extra money to buy real baloney this time."

Sweet little thing...

2011-02-02T09:26:00.000-08:00

Sometimes my kids just amaze me, and aren't always insane goof balls.

Yesterday Z saved some graham crackers from his school lunch, so he could have a snack after school. He has always been a friendly kid, so he got into a conversation with a homeless man by the grocery store. To make small talk, the man commented on Z's stack of graham crackers, and, without hesitation, Z gave him some. Together they shared more conversation, and a little snack.

I don't have to wait for Z to grow up to be something great. I think he's great already.

Cheap AND Efficient, You Say?

2011-01-04T15:42:00.000-08:00

Are you tired of the expense and inefficiency of peeling an orange? Well FEAR NOT! My 9 year old just told me, "I invented a cheap AND efficient way to peel oranges!"

Now, if only I can figure out how to use her method, which involves cutting a hole through the center of the orange, sticking a metal tube through it, and waving the skewered orange around in the air saying, "LOOK AT THE ORANGE, DOGGY!"

CSN Stores are awesome, but the UPS guy hates me!

2011-01-04T08:00:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I was approached by the people at CSNstores.com to do a product review for them. After many hours of searching, and changing my mind multiple times, I finally settled on a Fatboy beanbag chair, and placed my order.

Checking out was super easy, even with using a gift certificate and my credit card in the same order, and my beanbag was sent quickly. Unfortunately UPS messed up and it danced around in transit for much longer than it should have, but CSN was great about updating me when they expected my chair to arrive, every time the package was re-routed.

Finally the day of delivery came, which happened to coincide with some boxes of Christmas things for my kids, and I think the UPS delivery driver was having a bad day, because he wedged the heavy box behind the screen door, essentially blocking me in the house. Normally I would have just shoved on the box until it moved, but I was recovering from major surgery, and lifting/pushing is a big no-no, so I had to wait until the kids got home from school.

My younger two kids get home first, so their eyes got HUGE when they saw the boxes of things in the doorway, then they looked confused when they realized they were trapped outside in the cold. After a few minutes of them pushing their hardest, they were able to manipulate the box into the doorway, enough so they could climb through and get inside.

Once my husband got home and brought the box all the way into our house, we opened it and there was our new beanbag chair! The kids had never seen such a large beanbag before, and instantly all of them wanted to sit on it. Luckily it's big enough for two of them to sit together on it, like a love seat, if we turn the chair on its side, so most arguments were avoided.

Everyone who comes over falls in love with our Fatboy beanbag chair, and wants to buy their own. We are planning to buy at least one more soon, and will definitely use CSN again.

She Can't Be Irish

2010-12-11T00:09:00.000-08:00

My 9 yr old, talking about her best friend:

"She says she's Irish, but she's funny, so she can't be!"

Yum.

2010-12-10T09:27:00.000-08:00

My 12 year old just ate her way through most of a giant bowl of cereal before realizing it was full of birdseed moth larvae.

She quickly washed out what was in her mouth, and dumped the rest of the bowl, then said, "Great, now my mouth tastes like moths."

Anything to get out of bed...

2010-12-05T11:28:00.000-08:00

My 9 yr old got out of bed around midnight and tried to convince us that she couldn't stay in her loft bed, "because it's made of wood, and when the heater turns on, the heat rises, and my bed might catch on fire while I'm in it. DO YOU WANT THAT?"

2010-11-30T12:27:00.001-08:00

7 yr old: "I know a long time ago people thought the world was flat."

me: "Yes, they did."

7 yr old: "A long, long time ago though. All the way in the 1970s!"

CSN Store Review

2010-11-22T11:22:00.000-08:00

I've been given the opportunity to review an item from the CSN Stores. They have over 200 stores, and carry just about anything you can think of, at decent prices. Many of their items also have free shipping!

For back to school time I was very tempted by their great selection of children's backpacks, but, since it's closer to Christmas, I'm really thinking about getting something my kids can all use. With the huge selection it's so hard to choose!

I'll let you know how this goes!

Santa isn't like Chinese knockoff toys...

2010-11-19T13:52:00.001-08:00

While eating tortillas, my 12 yr old tore one to look like a beard, stuck it to her chin, and said, "Hey, look! I'm the Mexican equivalent of Santa Claus!"

Abraham Lincoln

2010-10-26T14:53:00.000-07:00

7 year old: I think I like Abraham Lincoln the most, because he was a great president, but I feel bad for the people who lived then because they only had pennies for cash.

me: They had other money back then.

7 yr old: Then why would they put such a great man on a penny? They obviously didn't have anything besides a penny to put his picture on!

nuts

2010-09-24T10:03:00.000-07:00

On the way home from school yesterday, my 7 yr old, Z, was trying to pick up rocks to add to his "collection." It wouldn't be a problem if they were pretty rocks, but they're all ugly and grey, and he leaves them around the house for everyone else to step on. I kept telling Z to stop picking up rocks, when I looked back and saw that he was trying to hide two by twisting them into the hem of his shirt and holding them near his belt-line.

me: What are those?

Z (trying to look confused): What?

me: Right there.

Z looks down at the rocks twisted in his shirt, points to his groin area and says: Those are my nuts!

I just stood there staring at him for a few seconds, giving him the mom look.

Z: Fine. I'm sorry, those aren't my nuts. They're my LADY PARTS!

Seven and Some Change

2010-02-23T11:49:00.001-08:00

7 yr old: Am I seven and three-quarters yet?

me: not yet

7 yr old: Am I seven and one penny yet?

Ant Farm

2010-02-19T17:29:00.000-08:00

Heard coming from my 12 yr old's bedroom as she was setting up her new ant farm:

Crap, crap, crap. CRAP! MOMMY!!!!!!

Zedism #3

2009-11-29T11:03:00.001-08:00

While watching his sister play a video game:

"She's gonna be dead. Deader than chicken, or roast beef, or whatever."

Guess what I'm thinking...

2009-11-28T19:46:00.000-08:00

6 yr old to 8 yr old: Hey, guess what I'm thinking?

8 yr old: You're thinking about me.... and... another person...

6 yr old: MMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE wrong! I am not thinking about you

8 yr old: MmEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOU are wrong. I can read your thoughts and you ARE thinking about me. Stop lying.

Art museum

2009-11-09T23:26:00.000-08:00

After going to the art museum, my 6 yr old son asked his 8 yr old sister, "Why are there so many naked ladies in art museums?" to which my 8 yr old replied, "Because men get lonely."

Zedisms #1 & #2

2009-10-21T08:32:00.001-07:00

My 6 yr old, we'll call him Zed, has always said weird things that make sense to only him. I've forgotten way more than I remember, so, starting today, I'll be adding to this blog as he says them.

#1: A few weeks ago, while complaining about an unexpected heat wave, "Whew! I'm sweatier than a cow in a bathtub!"

#2: After being asked if he wanted to choose a TV program to watch, "YES! More than a cantaloupe that's died, YES!

Tic-Tac-Toe

2009-10-16T14:49:00.000-07:00

My 6 yr old son, waiting at the bus stop, on our way home from school:

"Hobos should learn how to play tic-tac-toe alone."

Like Albert Einstein...

2009-09-24T15:09:00.001-07:00

My eight year old decided to start planning her birthday party, even though there are three other family members with birthdays before hers, and it's many months away. After listing off which of her classmates she wants to invite, she started telling me what the invitations will look like...

8 yr old: I want to have pictures of fluffy kittens with blue eyes on the front!

me: Okay, I'm sure we can do that.

8 yr old: I like fluffy kittens!

me: I know you do.

8 yr old: I like them the most when they have the big fluffy hair around their heads that makes them look like Albert Einstein, only not dirty.

me: What?

8 yr old: Yeah, I've seen pictures of Albert Einstein, and he was dirty. Did he grow up to become a hobo?

What's wrong with you?

2009-08-31T23:10:00.000-07:00

This morning the kids and I were walking down to the middle school for 6th grade orientation. On the way there, our path was blocked by a work truck on the sidewalk. The owner of the truck was rummaging around inside it, getting things out for a job he was about to start. Yeah, the vehicle was a bit in our way, but we could walk around it.

My 6 yr old walked straight up to the workman and said, "Why are you parked on the sidewalk like that?"

The guy smiled, and, in an almost Barry White voice, said, "Well hello to you too! I'm parked there because I need my equipment. How are you today?"

My 6 yr old gave him the evil eye then said...

"AND what's wrong with your voice? Are you DRUNK???"

Luckily the guy laughed, but I was mortified.

Prunehilda

2009-08-21T12:47:00.000-07:00

A few days ago my kids got a hairless rat as a pet, and it was quickly dubbed "Sweetheart." Sure, it's not a horrible name, but it is terribly boring, especially in our family, with former pets being named things like "Green Bean" and "Heart Attack" and "Shovel." Today I decided to put my suggestion out to the kids for a new name...

Me: Sweetheart looks like a prune, why don't we call her Prunehilda?

11 yr old: YOU are starting to look like a prune. Why don't we rename YOU Prunehilda?

because they can't drive straight.?

2009-08-16T01:56:00.000-07:00

Six year old, upon seeing a scene in "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist" where the group of gay guys is driving the van crazily, after finding out where the band they're looking for is "secretly" playing:

"They're so gay, they can't drive."

Boy Stuff

2009-07-28T08:53:00.000-07:00

It's been hot here. Very hot. Everyone is running around in minimal clothing, and my kids are allowed to run around the house as naked as they want to be anyway, but they've chosen that option more lately.

Yesterday my 11 yr old decided to make a fruit smoothie while wearing only underwear. Her little brother wandered into the kitchen to offer his help, and she flipped out, yelling at him that he had to be completely dressed to help her, or even be in the kitchen.

As her brother walked off to find some pants, I asked her why she was allowed to be undressed and cooking, but it wasn't okay for him.

11 yr old: Girls are okay if they're naked, but boys have... boy stuff... that falls off of them, and that's not good for cooking.

Pet Therapist

2009-07-07T23:22:00.000-07:00

My 11 yr old daughter has long claimed to be a great "pet therapist" that can "cure" animals of whatever mental problem they possess. She is currently visiting her grandparents, who have two awful little dogs that hate everyone.

As a gesture of good-will, my daughter bought the dogs a new chew toy, which they love, but they still hate her. The dogs will happily chew on the toy, but if she gets anywhere near them while they chew it they bark at her, if she finds it not being chewed and picks it up they come running and bark at her, and if she throws it to them they make sure the chew toy is safe, then come running and barking at her.

Since my daughter has been so set on being a "pet therapist" for years, I asked her if she'd done anything else to try to help the dogs become nicer. Without missing a beat, she said, "Oh GOD, no! If they left me alone with those dogs, they'd kill me!"

Old Man

2009-06-30T15:33:00.000-07:00

My 11 yr old has befriended an older man whose back yard meets up with our back yard. They're both outside in the nice weather quite often and chat over the fence about all kinds of topics. However, when referring to the man, she can never remember his name and instead tells people about "the old man that lives in our back yard."

Safety Matters

2009-06-29T23:15:00.000-07:00

For Christmas the man in red brought my kids a 12' tall teepee. When the weather was nice we had the teepee up in the back yard a few times, but never bothered with staking it, and it kept being blown over in storms, so we put the cumbersome behemoth away for a while. Last weekend I finally got out tent stakes and the kids helped me make sure that thing isn't going anywhere.

The kids like to have backyard campouts, and sleep in a regular tent, so I thought they might like to sleep in the teepee instead. My 6 and 11 yr old kids jumped at the opportunity, while my 8 yr old balked at the idea, and said, "But the doors only TIE SHUT, it's not safe like a tent with a ZIPPER."

I'm not sure that's much to brag about...

2009-05-14T12:09:00.001-07:00

6 yr old, as he prepares to show me just how fast he can go:

"I can run faster than a cantaloupe!"

I'm not sure I want to know...

2009-05-11T18:33:00.000-07:00

This afternoon my 6 yr old was trying to have a deep conversation with me about killing zombies and aliens with laser guns, when suddenly a look of concern came across his face...

6 yr old: Mommy, do some girls not grow up and have babies?

me: Girls can choose if they want to have babies, or not.

My 6 yr old's triumphant little fist shot straight up in the air, quickly followed by a resounding, "YES!"

Terminator

2009-05-06T10:20:00.000-07:00

My 11 yr old daughter's comment upon seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger on the morning news, discussing possible marijuana debates:

"Wow, the governor of California looks and sounds a LOT like the Terminator!"

Story from the Past - On the Death of a Hamster

2009-04-22T10:08:00.000-07:00

This isn't directly something my kids said/did, but it involved them, and I was reminded of the situation when I read Michael Ian Black's story of a death in his family. This series of events took place about 2 years ago.

When my oldest daughter's hamster died, we still had all the setup, and the kids wanted to replace it with a new hamster. I very firmly said, "NO," which led my husband to think I meant they needed something else that could live in the hamster cage. A week later he took the kids out "to the park" and they came back with three pet mice - one for each kid.

If you think one hamster smells like pee, three mice smell like a urinal that hasn't been cleaned in a month.

About two weeks after the mice showed up, my then 4 yr old woke up to discover one of the mice had died during the night, and, as an honor to their lost friend, the other mice had started eating it.

After that, the kids lost interest in the other two mice, and I went "to the park" one day while the kids were at school, and my husband was at work. Thank God the pet store didn't try to charge me to take back those mice. Nobody ever commented on the missing pets, but if they'd asked I would have said that the Mouse Rapture had occurred and obviously both of our mice had been among the chosen.

Ice

2009-03-30T19:53:00.000-07:00

My 6 yr old made a giant ice cube, using a metal measuring cup, and was trying to chip away at the block of ice with a spoon, so he could eat it. Why he likes to do that I'll never know, but I've given up asking.

The process was getting kind of messy...

Me: Careful, you're splashing ice all over the table.

6 yr old: That's how I roll.

Ouch! Killer Braniac

2009-03-17T08:33:00.000-07:00

3 kids. 1 scooter. 1 umbrella. Walking home from school in rain and hail, the kids decided to make a game of hurrying up, by giving themselves the racer names "Brainiac" and "Killer" and "OUCH!", then setting up different styles of racing, and trying not to bowl over any other pedestrians that happened to be out in the same crappy weather.

It's about a 1/2 mile walk from the school to our house. By the time we got home everyone was laughing, drenched, chilly, and exhausted, so they collapsed in the living room to dry off and warm up.

Butter

2009-03-08T21:15:00.001-07:00

My 6 yr old was eating some bread and butter with jam on it...

6 yr old: Mommy, what's this stuff on the bread?

me: jam

him: no, the stuff between that and the bread

me: butter?

him: yeah, what's it called?

me: butter

him: Oh! Thanks!

Moving over...

2009-03-05T10:12:00.000-08:00

I'm moving my funny kid stories over from a general blog that I've never been good at keeping up with. I'll post from oldest to newest, and then start posting all brand new things over here.

Killer Klowns

2009-03-01T20:32:00.000-08:00

My kids and I watched Killer Klowns from Outer Space today, during
which my 6 yr old turned to me and said, "This WOULD be scary, but
everyone knows that clowns don't exist."

If I only had a... door???

2009-02-02T20:57:00.000-08:00

My 8 yr old lost her bedroom door after locking herself, and the implements I would have used to get it unlocked, in her room and refusing to go to school today.

First she shrieked at everyone in the house about how we still have to respect her privacy, and, when none of us really reacted, she stomped off to her room again and screamed at the top of her lungs, "IF I HAD A DOOR, I WOULD BE SLAMMING IT SO HARD RIGHT NOW!" before going off to her bed and quietly sulking.

What's he need the money for?

2009-01-15T09:52:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I took my 6 yr old to the grocery store to pick up a couple things. On our way out, a guy asked if I had any spare change. He didn't look like a chronically homeless person, but someone who was down on his luck, so I gave him a handfull of change that happened to be in my pocket. My 6 yr old told him to have a good day, and we started walking off. We weren't far away from the man when the following conversation took place:

6 yr old: What's he need the money for?

me: I don't know... food or something to drink probably

6 yr old: I don't think that's it.

me: What do you think he needed the money for?

6 yr old: A boat.

me: It would take a long time to get a boat that way.

6 yr old: Yeah, I guess so. It is a long walk to the boat store.

THing

2008-10-13T15:16:00.000-07:00

My two youngest kids have problems making the "th" sound.

5 yr old and 7 yr old are looking through a magazine together...

5 yr old: Wow, I want that sing!

7 yr old (looking smug with herself): Sing? It doesn't sing.

5 yr old (a bit irritated): Not sing, SING. SSSSSSSSSing... like I want to buy somesing from da store. I want dat sing dere.

7 yr old: Silly, it's not said "Sing", it's a FING. vat fing looks like a neat toy. I want to buy somefing from the store. FFFFFFFFFFFFFing.

Every time a fly screams, an ant gets its wings

2008-10-02T18:38:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how I forgot to post this, but luckily I remembered about it today...

Recently my 5 yr old and I were walking down the street and he saw some flying ants, which resulted in me being told the following "fact."

5 yr old: I know where ants get their wings from

me: Where?

5 yr old: When ants want to get some wings, they kill a fly, cut off their wings, and then tie the wings onto their own backs, then move their bodies to make the wings flap.

Only some people can see them...

2008-09-19T07:01:00.000-07:00

Over the past few days, my kids have been collecting sticks, and various other nature items, to start building a "fairy home" in our yard, which we will begin today after everyone is home from school. The kids talk quite a bit about fairies and find different items they think would work as cups, hats, pet leashes, etc... for the fairies, and are putting a lot of thought into how the house will look.

Walking my 5 yr old home from school this morning, he found a large wavy chunk of bark that he said is "a perfect porch" for the house. We discussed a few different features that they want to add, like a table, and a place to put their shoes, when he suddenly stopped talking. After about a minute of silence, the following conversation occurred:

5 yr old: Mommy, I know that fairies are real, but I've never seen one, because they're invisible to me

Me: Can anyone see them?

5 yr old: A few people

Me: So only some people can see them, and others can't?

5 yr old: Yeah, only some people can see fairies. I think the only people who can ever really see a fairy are lesbians.

He said the last sentence with such seriousness, and a hint of sadness, that I felt kind of bad for him, because I could tell he wished he could see the fairies too... but, damn, it was hard not to just bust up laughing. Luckily he spotted a squirrel just then, so he totally forgot the fairies for a bit.

Daddy's talking to you...

2008-04-29T17:44:00.000-07:00

I had turned on a chat program, then left the room to do dishes, while my 5 yr old played a computer game. A few minutes later, he called to me...

"Mommy, Daddy's talking to you! He says something that starts with an s... um... S...A...L...Q... um... I think that's an S... then some other letters. What does that spell?"

Shopping

2008-04-04T17:44:00.000-07:00

I might never take my 5 yr old shopping with me again. As we walked past the "intimates" section at Target, he ran over to a bunch of bras, started caressing one, and said "boobies" quietly to himself. This was shortly after he begged to buy a dress for himself.

Excuse me!

2008-02-21T13:39:00.000-08:00

5 yr old: Mommy, I tooted. Excuse me!

me: Thank you for being polite.

5 yr old: So, when I say "excuse me" does that make the stink go away?

me: No, it's just polite.

5 yr old: Then what's the point?

Muh Tun Huh

2008-02-19T22:23:00.000-08:00

After picking up the kids from school, I told them they could find a snack while I took a nap. I was reading when my 7 yr old came into the room, wimpering, with her tongue stuck out.

me: What's wrong?

7 yr old: Muh tun huh!

Looking closely, I could see a bit of a red spot on her tongue, but nothing really looked wrong

me: What happened?

7 yr old: I was looking for food in the deep freezer and my tongue got stuck.

me: on accident?

7 yr old: no, I put my tongue on there to see if it would really stick to something cold

me: did it?

7 yr old: yes! Look at muh tun! It HURTS!

me: well, I'm sorry you're hurt, but I guess you won't be doing that again, will you?

7 yr old (sticking out her bottom lip): No. My lip hurts too.

me: did you stick your lip and tongue on at the same time?

7 yr old: No... it was after my tongue

me (starting to smirk at this point): Why did you put your lip on the freezer after you hurt your tongue?

7 yr old (getting defensive): I had to see if it was still cold enough to stick!

My daughter, the sober druggie

2007-11-16T21:27:00.000-08:00

OK, so my daughter is only 10 and is extremely anti-drugs, but I swear she acts like a stoner at times. Today she bought her SECOND lava lamp and spent about an hour staring at it in her darkened bedroom. When she finally came out, she told me, "it was like, whoa! I watched it and it was boring, but at the same time it WASN'T boring! It's all soothing, and fascinating... now I know why hippies love lava lamps!"

Pocket, not a pocket.

2007-11-07T16:58:00.000-08:00

Dear Son,

There are some things it's better to learn earlier in life, and some things you should probably learn later. Today you stumbled upon something that the sooner it is learned, the better. I know what you're thinking, so before you brush off my advice, as you have so many times today, and dismiss me as someone clueless, who just pretends to know what I'm talking about, please hear me out.

I may not wear what you call "boy clothes" and many of my outfits have mysterious things that your father will probably never have on his (hooks, pads, underwires, etc...), but I do know some things about your clothing. After all, I did help you choose it, and bought it for you.

Go ahead and wear your shirts backwards, because "they look cooler that way". Wear your pants a little long if you like the look of rolled cuffs. Turn your hat just about any way you want to, but for the sake of all that is cherished in this world, that weird flap thing on the front of your underwear is NOT a pocket. Are you paying attention? IT IS NOT A POCKET. A good rule of thumb is that if you have to reach through the waist on your pants to reach something, it's not a pocket. If you are not wearing pants, another rule of thumb is that if you reach into your "pocket" and touch the bare skin of your private parts, or, as you so aptly demonstrated earlier, reach further in and discover, with glee, that you can also reach your butthole, that is not a pocket.

Maybe a visual will help me get my point across:

POCKET:

NOT A POCKET:

Seek the advice of other males, if you must, but please at least give my words a chance.

Love,
Mom

Why would you say that?

2007-10-17T15:42:00.000-07:00

This morning I was trying to teach my 4 yr old how to play battleship. It's not really the easiest game for a kid his age to figure out, but he wanted to learn. After we finished playing, he put away the game while I did some dishes. At some point in picking it up he accidentally spilled some pieces on the floor, and, me being in dishes mode, I asked him to make sure he wiped them all up. Looking at me like I'd lost it, he said, with a giggle, "Why would you say wipe up the pieces? That's crazy talk!"

A bit later he saw me taking a pill and asked why I take medicine. Not wanting to explain what anti-depression meds are, I just said, "The doctor gave me medicine that helps my brain work right." After contemplating it for a few seconds, he asked, "So is that why you asked me to wipe up plastic pieces?"

Fast forward to this afternoon. It was time to pick up the girls from school, and the weather is really rainy, so I decided to put the dog in her cage, instead of bringing her with us...

4 yr old: Why are we leaving Mrs. Gideon here? We always take her to the school.

me: I don't think we need to bring her this time

4 yr old: Is that because your brain's actually working?

I guess that’s good... and a bit creepy.

2007-10-02T05:27:00.000-07:00

It's nearing dinner time, and my 4 yr old son asked for a snack. I don't want his dinner ruined by eating something now, so I asked him if he could wait a bit so we can all eat together...

4 yr old:

"Ok, mommy, I'll wait. I'll hold on for you. I'll wait until you tell me I can eat."

starts hugging and cuddling me

"I'm waiting for you."

"These are the degrees of being a nice guy."

Calm down!

2007-06-02T06:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a bit too warm outside. Not super hot, but we were still all uncomfortable, I was watching 4 extra kids (our regular neighbor kid, and my friend's other three). Our house doesn't have air conditioning, so the kids were alternately playing outside and sitting in front of one of the fans in the living room, when it happened. V decided her nose itched, and she had to scratch it.

To say this was a small nosebleed would be calling the Pacific Ocean a mere puddle, as blood pooled in her hand while she made a mad dash for the, thankfully unoccupied, bathroom. Everytime the bleeding would slow, V would look at the bright red blob of tissue in her hand and start crying, which set off another flood, and only made her more scared.

After at least 20 minutes of this, her best friend and I finally got her calmed down enough to get her to stop sobbing, and the blood flow almost completely stopped. I handed her a clean tissue, and as V moved the used one away from her face she saw it...

V: Oh my GOD!
*tears well up in her already bloodshot eyes*

me: What's wrong?

V starts BAWLING - she's obviously extremely freaked out, but I can't figure out why. Finally, almost incomprehensibly, while sobbing, she tells me...

V: There is a piece of BRAIN in my Kleenex!

me: Oh, sweetie, that's a blood clot

V: NO! It's BRAIN! LOOK!!!

After another 10 minutes, I finally convinced her that it wasn't brain on her tissue, and that blood clots were normal, so she calmed down, and an hour or so later she was in a good enough mood for us to joke about it.

I will be using this story to embarrass her when she's a teenager.

I never did that!

2007-06-01T15:25:00.000-07:00

This afternoon I'm watching my friend's kids, the youngest of which is about 15 months old. She is doing the normal baby thing - stumbling like a drunk, playing with toys, squatting, grunting, releasing her bowels into her diaper...
All of which led to a conversation with my naive youngest child, who has apparently never paid much attention to diaper changes.

Z: Mommy, what are you DOING?

me: Changing Cheyenne's diaper

Z: WHY?

me: Because she pooped

Z: (eyes get huge) What's wrong with her? Why would a baby POOP IN A DIAPER?

for the next half hour he kept going back to the idea, and trying to convince us that HE never did that kind of disgusting thing.

Dookie! Dookie!

2007-04-24T16:08:00.000-07:00

Today I left zefrank.com open on my computer. While I was busy doing chores, my son got on the computer and started playing with the "game" where you request gifts from Santa. I guess I should have been a bit more aware of what was going on, because now I have a 4 yr old running around the house saying "Dookie! Dookie!" and "The ability to say penis without laughing. PENIS! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

I told my son that if we leave the house, he can't go around saying "penis" to everyone, because some people don't like that. With no pause at all, he looked at me with innocent eyes, and said, "But, Mommy, I HAVE a penis, LOOK! There's nothing wrong with it!"

I am doomed if we leave the house any time in the next week.

I can pick up anything!

2007-03-21T13:33:00.000-07:00

When I was your dad...

2007-03-08T14:56:00.000-08:00

Zed, my 4 yr old son, has been on a strange kick for about the past month, and occasionally insists that he used to be my father. He's told me that my other two kids were at that point MY sisters, that they didn't fight as much as they do now, and that my husband was also part of the family, but he's never said how.

Just a few minutes ago, Zed was sitting and watching some science show on TV with me, while we both suffer from some flu going around, when suddenly he turned to me and said,

"When you were a kid, and I was your dad, if you stayed home sick, we sat in the back and made ice cream together."

I wasn't sure what to say about that, so I asked him if it was fun, and he said "Yep! I was a good dad and we had fun."

Then he left the room.

Guinevere gets a new look

2007-03-07T21:16:00.000-08:00

Um... yeah... I had a reason for making this, but I'm not going into it right now. Let me know what you think!

Tavia Gets Her Ears Pierced

2007-02-25T20:31:00.000-08:00

Today Octavia decided to get her ears pierced while we were shopping, and we just happened to have the video camera with us.

I'm Not Done Eating

2006-11-26T22:52:00.000-08:00

Recently we bought a naked ken-type doll at a thrift store near our house... this wouldn't be too spectacular, except the doll appears to be modeled to look like Jesus. Almost as soon as we got him in the house, our 5 yr old put a fancy Barbie dress onto Jesus, so now he was no longer the awe-inspiring "Naked Jesus", complete with a themesong my husband created, but instead has earned the name "Crossdressing Jesus" (or Chucky Cheezus if you ask our 3 yr old).

The other night at dinner, our 5 yr old suddenly got up from the table, and one of us asked her what she was doing...

"I'm not done eating, but I'm trying to find Jesus!"

It takes a lot to weird out any of my kids...

2006-10-20T00:10:00.000-07:00

... but it has finally happened, and I was there to witness it.

My 5 yr old daughter was on the school playground after school. She very emphatically hates boys, but the only other kids out there were three boys from her class. The small group played tag for about 20 minutes before one of the little boys walked away from the group to where my daughter was playing on her own...

boy: I have to tell you a secret

girl: what?

boy: I love you more than cheese sticks and I'll let you catch me when we play tag.

I don't think I've ever seen her look more smug and repulsed at the same time before. You could tell that she liked the compliment, but that the "ew, it's coming from a BOY" impulse was too strong to ignore. He offered to tell her another secret, but she looked at him like he'd just gone off the deep end, said, "no, I don't think so", and ran away.

The Mailbox

2006-08-30T06:14:00.000-07:00

Usually my husband takes our 3 yr old son to the bathroom when we're somewhere in public, but sometimes I end up having to take him into the women's restroom. Generally nothing goes wrong, but when it does....

*3 yr old boy enters stall*

3 yr old: I locked the door, Mommy

me: good for you

3 yr old: I'm getting on the potty now

me: ok

3 yr old: Hey!

me: what?

3 yr old: There's a little mailbox in here!

me: no. no there isn't.

*woman washing her hands starts snickering*

3 yr old: YES! There is! Cool! We don't have to go to the post office, WE CAN JUST BRING OUR MAIL HERE!

me: No, it's not a mailbox. PLEASE don't touch it.

*woman behind me is done washing her hands and comes to stand by me, while laughing quietly*

*sound of "mailbox" opening*

3 yr old: it IS a mailbox! there's lots of room for mail in here!

woman beside me: OH MY GOD!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Realizing what she's done, the woman covers her mouth, quickly apologizes, and runs out of the bathroom, no doubt to laugh her butt off while telling the rest of the people at her table what's going on.

me: Please, just finish going potty. Don't touch that thing.

Finally my 3 yr old got the idea that maybe he shouldn't be touching the "mailbox," finished his business, and got a very thorough handwashing.

When I grow up...

2006-08-03T22:10:00.000-07:00

This afternoon my kids were sitting around discussing their futures. While I listened in, the following dialogue took place:

8 yr old: When I grow up I want to be a famous scientist. I'm going to change the world with my new ideas!

5 yr old: When I grow up I'm going to be anything I want, and I'll be the best there ever was!

3 yr old: When I grow up I'm going to put a fork on top of my head.

I'm going to write a note!

2006-03-22T08:28:00.000-08:00

Anyone who's even briefly met my 5 yr old daughter probably has heard that she hates boys. If you haven't met my daughter, don't fret - I can sum up her world view in 3 words that I hear from her constantly: I HATE BOYS!

This morning she was playing with her brother and our neighbor's two kids (making the group total 2 girls and 2 boys), and the topic of boy hating inevitably came up. The conversation was funny, especially with the boys joining in to agree that she definitely hates boys, while they were playing games with her and generally having fun. I won't bother trying to recreate the discussion here, but I will give you the following gem that emerged from it...

5 yr old: I'm going to prove how much I hate boys by writing a NOTE about it! Do you hear me? A NOTE!

He's gone wrong.

2006-03-18T06:39:00.000-08:00

My 3 yr old has the strangest thought process, and I'm at a loss to understand it. We'll be having a normal (for a 3 yr old) conversation, when suddenly he'll bring up the most incongruous statements... here are a couple of examples:

example 1)
The other day he was helping me do laundry...

Z: I'm a good helper, right?
me: you sure are!
Z: I did a great job putting soap in!
me: you sure did!
Z: My sister is a good helper too
me: yep!
Z: and my bigger sister is a good helper sometimes
me: Usually
Z: and Daddy helps when he comes home
me: That's right, he does. We all help each other.
Z: Not spiders. Spiders don't help at all. Spiders are useless.

At that point he left the room, leaving me totally confused.

example 2)
The dog had been playing with the kids, and Z was describing the situation to me...

Z: Kashi kissed my ear and my nose! She loves me!
me: She loves all of you kids!
Z: Yes, but she loves ME!
me: everyone loves you, because you're so sweet!
Z: I know that! You love me, and my sisters love me!
me: and Daddy loves you too!
Z: I know Daddy loves me! and Grandma!
me: yep, Grandma loves you to!
Z: But gloves don't have hands.

Again he quit talking and just left the room. I have no idea where that came from, and, while he is correct, I have no idea what empty gloves have to do with who loves him.

My only guess is that he's trying to find a way to end the conversations, and has figured out that mentioning the first thing that comes up in his mind throws people off so they just stop talking. As confusing as it is, I think it's hilarious, so I hope he keeps it up.

Where there's smoke there's fire!

2005-12-06T10:44:00.000-08:00

Said by my 3 yr old while we walked to his preschool this morning, in ~15 degree (F) weather:

"My mouth is smoking! I must have fire in my tummy!"

You Didn't SEE Me!

2005-11-01T13:20:00.001-08:00

Ah, the fun of trying not to laugh at kids...

I told my 4 yr old that if she ate all of her lunch (half of a turkey pot pie), she could have a piece of Halloween candy. She was excited about the idea, but after a bite or two she gave up eating to watch me clean the house, and to sit on my lap while I played a computer game. Around 2 PM she climbed off my lap and quietly walked into the kitchen. Her departure was followed by the following sounds: scraping, a bag rustling, and a dish being put in the sink. About 10 seconds later, she appeared at my side, with a huge smile on her face...

4 yr old: There! I finished my lunch and you said I could have some candy!

Me: Yeah... you scraped your bowl into the garbage, and you are trying to trick me.

4 yr old: *shocked look* You didn't SEE me, so how do you know?

Me: so you didn't do that?

4 yr old: *deer in headlights look* I wouldn't! You didn't SEE me!

Me: Alright, then I'm going to walk in there and SEE

4 yr old: No! You can't! It won't be right! Don't do that!

I walked into the kitchen and she grabbed the garbage bag then showed it to me - on the top of the bag was what appeared to be half of a turkey pot pie...

4 yr old: I should have told you, my brother threw HIS away!

Me: Your brother didn't get any.

4 yr old: Oh, you just didn't KNOW he got some!

Me: Nice try, but you still don't get any candy.

Kids and their "celebrities"

2005-11-01T09:03:00.000-08:00

Unless you've ever stayed up late on a Saturday night watching television in Reno, Nevada, you've probably never heard of Zomboo (pronounced Zombo). Zomboo is the very strange, and surprisingly popular, host of a local cheesy horror movie show that starts at 11:35 on most Saturday nights. My 7 yr old daughter is always trying to stay up to watch him, but almost never succeeds. Sunday we took our kids to Reno's "Safe Trick or Treat", and Zomboo was there, so our girls got to meet him... we heard about almost nothing else from our 7 yr old for the rest of the night, and she's been excitedly telling everyone she knows since then.

You Licked WHAT???

2005-08-26T21:01:00.001-07:00

Today my 7 yr old got some dental work done that included a few stainless steel crowns. As she was laying on the couch resting tonight, we got to talking about her new teeth...

7 yr old: Are you sure my teeth are made with stainless steel?

Me: yes, why?

7 yr old: Because my teeth don't taste anything like your pans

Me: Hold on... what? you've TASTED MY PANS?

7 yr old: Um... well... not really, but kind of....

Me: Is that a yes?

7 yr old: Well... when you're not looking I sometimes lick the doorknobs too... and they don't taste like my teeth either.

OK, I admit that at her age I would suck on the zipper of my jacket because it tasted really good, and the pan thing is strange, but at least I know that my pans are clean... however, LICKING DOORKNOBS??? EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Titanic

2005-08-01T14:59:00.000-07:00

7 yr old:

"I wanted to see how the Titanic sank, so I made a lego boat exactly the same size as the Titanic, only smaller."

Mr Potato Zed

2005-08-01T13:19:00.000-07:00

There are times when you should openly laugh at the antics of your children, and times you should swallow that smile, look sternly at your child, and tell them to never, ever do that again. Today I failed miserably at the latter.

We live in a small house, so I try to keep the toys confined to one bedroom, and today is cleanup day. The kids were picking up toys in there for about 20 minutes when I heard my 2 yr old, we call him Zed, giggling and saying, "Wook! Wook! Wook!" I looked and couldn't help but laugh and take his picture, even though I probably should have taken the toy he had, made an angry face, and said something about never sticking anything in his ears.

I'd like you all to meet Mr. Potato Zed:

Say What?

2005-07-13T09:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went to the local farmer's market and sat near a woman, who looked about 60, and a friend of hers. We were all watching the kids playing in the water the fire department sprays at one end of the market every week when the woman suddenly turned to her friend and said, "They're more energetic than a US State at a county fair!".

I waited for the friend to ask her to explain the comment, but she just accepted the statement with a nod, and I'm not outgoing enough to ask a person I don't know if they're on crack, or just insane, so now I'm still confused... WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN? If anyone has any idea, please tell me.

Talkin' Turkey

2005-06-29T15:38:00.000-07:00

Some idiocy drove me to be craving turkey, so today I decided to cook a whole one. The kids have been asking me when the turkey would be done since a few minutes after it went in the oven, so, now that it's almost finished, they're climbing the walls waiting to eat. First my 7 yr old tried to talk me into letting her have some before it was done cooking, and I explained that we have to make sure it's the right temperature, or everyone could get sick, so she said, "but the SKIN is done! Can we eat the skin?" Next I explained that after the turkey is the right temperature, we have to let it rest on the counter for 30 minutes before we can cut it, at which point my 4 yr old looked at me like I'd gone insane and said, "Mommy, the turkey is DEAD! It doesn't need to rest!"

Naked Parents

2005-06-23T11:16:00.000-07:00

Every Christmas my mother-in-law decides that she has to buy me some great makeup kit that she's found for like $5 on a discount shelf at walmart, so I let the kids use that stuff when they want to (which isn't very often). This morning my 4 yr old walked into the room I was in; she was naked and proudly showing off some makeup she'd put on all by herself, and informed me that she'd also helped her 2 yr old brother look the same. Right then the 2 yr old, also naked, walked into the room showing off his wonderful makeup, which looked like it'd been applied by a drunk clown school dropout.

I guess I made a weird face about his new look, because my 4 yr old and I ended up having the following conversation:

4 yr old: We're pretending to be parents. I'm the mommy and he's the daddy!

me: do you notice that daddy doesn't wear lipstick?

4 yr old: THIS daddy does!

me: ok... but you must have noticed that Daddy and I wear clothing, right?

4 yr old: That's YOU - WE are naked parents.

at that point they both left the room to apply more makeup and nail polish.

A little bit later the 4 yr old wandered back in to inform me that I'm not the best parent I could be, because I don't run around the house naked. I told her that I guess I'll never get any better then, and she gave up on me.

How many birthdays does the girl have?

2005-06-23T10:33:00.000-07:00

4 yr old: Mommy, when is Halloween?
me: October
4 yr old: When is Christmas?
me: December
4 yr old: When is my birthday?
me: January
4 yr old: and when is my birthday?
me: still in January
4 yr old: Oh! and when is my NEXT birthday?

Granny

2005-06-15T10:13:00.000-07:00

For Amanda (and anyone else who bothers reading this)

This is a post I made on another site back in early February, so it's a bit dated, but I wanted to share, because it's the most fun school-related thing I've done, so far, with my oldest daughter. I did the hair and costume, Jeff did the makeup. Kids in school have nicknamed her "Granny" because of it. It's hilarious going to the school to pick her up and hearing 5th graders say, "See you tomorrow, Granny!" to a tiny 7 yr old, and she obviously loves it.
__________________________________________________________

Feb. 2, 2005

Today my 7 yr old daughter won the "Grandma of the Year" award at her school! The school celebrated the 100th day of the school year by having everyone dress up like they were 100 years old. Here are a few "before" and "after" pictures...

Vampire Butterfly

2005-06-08T14:02:00.000-07:00

I should state ahead of time that my 4 yr old daughter is the more logical of the two kids in this story, and very matter of fact with how she deals with life in general, and my 7 yr old is a total paranormal freak/conspiracy theorist.

My 7 year started a collection of dead bugs about a week ago, mostly by finding dead bugs in our yard, or on walks, and keeping them in a
little container to look at later. Yesterday we were walking home from the library, and came across a dying "painted lady" butterfly, so my 7 year old decided to bring it home to add to her collection once it "passed on" (her words). By the time we made it home, the butterfly was no longer moving, so she put it in the container with the rest of her collection, despite me telling her that it might not be dead yet, which got me looked at like I had no idea what I was talking about.

After lunch the kids decided they wanted to look at the dead bugs, so the 7 yr old carefully opened her collection box, which startled the still nearly dead butterfly, and it moved some....

7 yr old: *SCREAMS* It's a vampire butterfly!!!

4 yr old: are you sure it's not just alive?

7 yr old: Don't you UNDERSTAND??? it DIED! now it MOVED - IT'S THE UNDEAD!!!!

4 yr old: Like a zombie?

7 yr old: Yeah, zombies are undead too, but this is a VAMPIRE BUTTERFLY!!!!

4 yr old: Are you SURE it's a vampire?

7 yr old: YES!! it MOVED!! It's UNDEAD!!!

At this point the 4 yr old took the situation into her own hands, calmly walked into the kitchen, got a butter knife, and killed the butterfly.

7 yr old (now more freaked out by her sister than the former vampire butterfly): MOMMMMMEEEEEE! SHE KILLED MY BUTTERFLY!!!

4 yr old: but you TOLD ME it was a vampire and they have to be killed!

*sigh*

Fast forward to today, and my 7 yr old is refusing to get rid of the now definitely dead vampire butterfly in her collection until her sister makes an apology to the butterfly's spirit, so that it won't haunt our house. I have no idea where the older child gets this stuff, but the 4 yr old is getting a bit annoyed with it.